Steel on Steel: Experience, Observations, and Guidance

Below you will find resources to carry out your own Steel on Steel meeting:

The original video from Mark Houston.

An edited and amended Steel on Steel document (changed only for readability: font from Times New Roman to Arial, and larger questions on the final pages).

The Google Document you can copy and adapt for your own purposes.

What follows is my personal experience of Steel on Steel, along with observations and indications which may be helpful if you are thinking about participating in, or putting a group together.

How It All Started

When I was around 10 years sober, I had heard of Steel on Steel over the years but had never participated. A member approached me to join their group, and at the same time a man I was sponsoring expressed interest, as did another friend. So I began taking part around May 2023.

From the beginning, one lesson became clear: you must be mindful of who you choose. These are men (or women) with whom you will share your deepest, darkest secrets. Choosing your fellows should be a group discussion and taken with care.

We met once a month, rotating between homes. I hosted in my office, which reinforced that Steel on Steel is a meeting of equals — not controlled by one facilitator with power to dictate terms. We kept a WhatsApp group, and before dispersing we would agree on the next date, aiming for compromise around busy lives and family commitments. Whoever hosted had a little bit of freedom to set the time, which worked well given everyone’s responsibilities.

Sobriety and Emotional Readiness

Steel on Steel is not for newcomers. In my experience, you should have at least a couple of years sober, ideally five or more. The nature of the material — issues beyond drink and drugs, requires a higher level of emotional sobriety.

Bill Wilson himself only began writing about “emotional sobriety” in The Grapevine when he was 17 years sober. Topics in Steel on Steel can include abuse, sexual conduct, intrusive thoughts, and painful personal history. Both the honesty required, and the feedback expected, demand maturity and experience.

I’ve had enthusiastic men within their first two years (and even first five) of sobriety ask to join. In those cases, I gently directed them toward other options. One of our early members joined at four years sober, and while it was workable, it still required care.

The Process: Honesty and Challenge

Steel on Steel has been one of the highlights of my recovery, and also one of the most uncomfortable parts. Every month I dread it, because I know I’ll be challenged to share things that make me squirm. Yet I also value it deeply, because this is where the real work happens.

Members often reveal material which may require outside help: therapy, counselling, or another fellowship. This should always be encouraged, since we cannot fix problems we don’t understand, nor carry burdens beyond our scope. The Big Book makes clear the importance of seeking outside assistance where necessary.

Commitment and Accountability

Steel on Steel does not work with fewer than four people. Three is difficult, and two is impossible. Commitment is essential.

We noticed some members, even those with many years sober, who cancelled last minute or simply didn’t show up. Over time, this created frustration, resentment, and even shame. To preserve the integrity of the group, we agreed on a simple standard: if a member failed to attend three times in a year without good reason, they would be asked to leave.

Steel on Steel is not casual. By failing to show up, a member robs their fellows of an experience, wastes their time, and undermines the trust on which the group is built. At the same time, we also practiced love, patience, and tolerance. Life happens, but discipline matters too.

Choosing and Welcoming Members

New members are chosen carefully. Anyone in the group can veto a potential candidate, no explanation needed. Given the sensitivity of the material, you shouldn’t have to justify why you don’t feel comfortable with someone.

Often it wasn’t about liking or disliking a person, but simply not knowing them well enough to trust them with such personal truths. This sometimes meant going months before adding a new member. But better that than breaking the circle of safety.

When approaching someone, we explained what Steel on Steel was and gave them the option to explore further. If they weren’t interested, we respected that.

A Meritocracy of Equals

Steel on Steel works best as a meritocracy. Naturally, some members will have more clean time than others, and you may even have a sponsor and sponsee in the same group. I’ve experienced both dynamics, sponsoring someone in my group, and being sponsored by another member.

Handled well, this does not create problems. In fact, it has encouraged healthy conversations and accountability, including frank discussions about sponsorship relationships (“I’m not hearing from you, perhaps you need to find another sponsor”).

Practical realities also matter. Members with young children may not be able to host; others can step in. The key is balance and fairness.

The Transformative Impact

Looking back, I can safely say, and reflect on behalf of my fellows, that Steel on Steel has been transformative. I’ve seen men with more than 10 years of recovery work through deeply difficult issues. I’ve seen lives change.

For me personally, it has been immeasurably valuable: a tool outside of meetings, service, sponsorship, and unity, which has kept me accountable to a trusted group of men.

It is not for the faint-hearted. It is not for those unwilling to look at themselves honestly. But for those committed to a spiritual path, seeking to grow and uncover blind spots, I cannot recommend it highly enough.

Summary: Key Takeaways for Running a Steel on Steel Group

• Who it’s for: Men and women with at least a couple of years’ sobriety (ideally 5+). Requires emotional sobriety, not just abstinence.
• Group size: Minimum of 4 members. 3 is difficult, 2 doesn’t work.
• Meeting format: Monthly, rotating hosts, equal participation. No one person controls the process.
• Accountability: Clear expectations around attendance (e.g., 3 missed meetings = removal). Reliability is essential.
• Membership: Anyone can veto a potential new member — trust and safety come first. Better to wait than to add the wrong person.
• Honesty: Be prepared to share your deepest struggles and to receive challenging feedback. This is not surface-level recovery.
• Outside help: Encourage members to seek therapy, counselling, or other fellowships when issues go beyond the group’s scope.
• Dynamics: Differences in sobriety length or sponsor/sponsee relationships are manageable if approached with honesty and respect.
• Impact: Steel on Steel can be transformative — but only for those ready to face themselves without reservation.